I was married for 17 years. Back in the 90s, online dating wasn’t a thing yet. Hell, email was barely a thing. So when I found myself going through a divorce, I was like “no way will I ever do online dating!”
But turns out it’s really really really really really hard to meet people when you’re older and basically hate leaving the house. So what’s a girl to do?
I eventually gave in and tried all the major online dating sites/apps. They all suck in their own special way. I’ve found that it’s pretty difficult to come up with a good, catchy headline while in the moment. And most people come up with some variation of “are you the one/looking for love/let’s be friends first.” And no one gets noticed for those boring guys.
I think in lyrics AND I’ve gotten to the “pretty much over it” level of online dating so I thought I’d throw out a few awful dating headlines that if I saw I’d laugh, or possibly be a little freaked out. Anthems are another thing entirely (hi Tinder)…
At the end of all these shenanigans, I’ll share my two favorites usernames and headlines I’ve used on various sites that have had mixed results.
Also I’m weird, so they’re weird. I’m working on it. Except not really.
And now I present:
Dating Headlines NOT to Use!
My Own Worst Enemy -Lit
Don’t be afraid to admit that you know all the lyrics to this one… except until like last year I always thought that the line “I didn’t mean to call you that” was “I didn’t mean to call you FAT” and I swear that sounds better so that’s the way I sing it still even though I know it’s wrong. Take that Lit! And the man, or something.
So the headline not to use is:
“Can we forget about the things I said when I was drunk.”
If I saw this one, technically I would laugh because I’d know exactly what song it was from. Then I might sneak a peek to see who would actually think that this was a reasonable headline to attract the ladies. Then who knows what might happen next, but probably not me winking or sending a flirty message.
Everlasting Love -Howard Jones
This one is makes me think “slow down space cowboy!” (“Why-yi-yi-yippie-yi-yay-yippie-yi-yo-yippie-yi-yay!”)* I mean, aren’t we all kinda looking for The One, but you don’t need to be so serious so fast! Calm down there fella.
And the line is:
“This vacancy [I mean] to permanently fill.”
I mean, it’s sorta a classy way of saying it in a Stage Five Clinger kind of way. But I’d pass, thank you very much! But for real, the song has a great message, and the video is kind of sweet in a bizarre kind of way.
Eternal Flame -The Bangles
This one is so creepy I could die. Literally die, right here right now (“watching the world go down in history.”)**
I’ve been a Bangles fan since the 80s and I’ve sung along to this song approximately eight million times but only recently heard this line in all it’s stalker glory:
“I watch you when you are sleeping, you belong to me.”
Yikes! Super duper stalker alert! This would have me running, “I’d run so far away.”*** I wouldn’t even think about looking at this guys profile. Huge nope right there crazy stalker dude!
Your Love -The Outfield
I had to put this one in because the amount of guys 18-25 that have been interested in me has been shockingly high. And that grosses me out. If I could be your mother, I am NOT going out with you. I’m not looking for any boy toys.
But my tip to those of you interested in older women is to go old school. Be sweet, don’t send dick pics, and act like a gentleman and treat her right. I swear to god if one more 20 year old told me five minutes into chatting he wanted to f*ck me, I might run away screaming, like forever.
So the don’t use headline is (of course):
“You know I like my girls a little bit older.”
If I saw this one, I’d laugh because I’m so not into that but good luck to you if that’s your thing!
Summer Girls -LFO
This song is so bad it’s good. I mean seriously, I laugh nonstop during the entire thing, while of course singing all of the awful awful fabulous lyrics. “New Kids on the Block had a bunch of hits, Chinese food makes me sick…”
“I think it’s fly when girls stop by for the summer.”
Hahahahaha! Perfect for a summertime profile. But not so much actually because it’s horribly hilarious in a bad, bad way.
But wait! This song also has a second line that works awesomely if your name is Rich, and you could probably swap out Rich for your name if you’re so inclined, but it might not rhyme that professional.
“[My] name is Rich, you look like the girl from Abercrombie and Fitch.”
Either of these would have me snort laughing on the floor! So bad they’re good, I’d OF COURSE, have to check out these guys profiles. No guarantees, but if you’re using a cheesily bad wonderful LFO song as your headline, you’re definitely worth a look.
My Crazy Profile Names & Headlines
For my most recent foray into online dating I had my user name as How Soon Is Now. My headline was “When you say now, when exactly do you mean?” You may or may not recognize this as one of The Smith’s most angsty songs.
It has a glorious line that perfectly sums up online dating, or really any kind of dating for that matter. It is:
“There’s a club if you like to go you could meet someone who really loves you. So you go and you stand on your own, and you leave on your own, and you go home and you cry and you want to die.”
Perfect description, right!?!? The very few guys who got it got bonus points from me as I am a Smiths fan. But it didn’t really pan out, ghost much losers!?
The other interesting username I tried was Rock Lobster because I’d heard this fun yet weird B-52’s song driving home from work and thought “that’d be a great dating user name!” So to go along with the theme I used “We were at the beach. Everyone has matching towels” as my headline. Nice one, right!?
It got mixed results. Some guys assumed I was a seafood fan (nope to the extreme) and others that I was this crazy, huge B-52’s fan (also nope). But it was a fun one and I may keep it in my back pocket to recycle in my next round on online dating.
So the moral of this story folks is, be creative! You want to stand out, but also be thoughtful, because you don’t want to seem like a scary guy or weirdo. Also, it goes both ways: ladies be fun and interesting too!
What are the best/worst song lyric usernames and/or headlines you’ve seen out in the dating wild??
- *Space Cowboy -N’SYNC
- **Right Here, Right Now -Jesus Jones
- ***I Ran -Flock of Seagulls